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depression.

A lot of people call me selfish, egocentric, and a horrible person because I don't try to be what they want me to be. But I don't want to lose myself in exchange for making people happy because when I feel like I lost myself I get depressed.

When I feel like I lose myself, I feel like I want to die. Making myself happy is important, too.  I believe there  exists a balance in doing what others want of us and doing what we want. 

I wish people understood how important this is for me. A life lived for others is ideal-- yet at the same time exhausting. I have found that I need to be selfish sometimes-- no, I need to be selfish a lot. I need to think of my own happiness sometimes. I've found that when my life solely becomes doing what makes others happy, I just want to die. Even if loved ones may call me selfish, egocentric, or a horrible person and ostracize me,  I need to do this because I am making an intervention necessary for my own life.

because without my self, I would be dead. Without m y goals and my dreams, I would be dead.

So be it. I don't want to be in my 50s ruminating, still taking antidepressants because I didn't do the things I wanted to do, because I didn't take risks, because I sought out my best interest from others instead of doing what I thought was right for myself. If I wasn't doing what I'm doing now, I would be dead. +

I believe that by making me happy, I am well equipped to being a more productive person in life. I waste a lot of time in my life feeling down and sorry for myself-- and I'm tired of that. I'm sad and sorry for all the time that I wasted. And still waste.

i wish i had support






I was once watching the news with a relative of mine. At the end of the news segment, the news anchor mentioned something about being thankful for the troops overseas. Then the relative said, "That's what I hate" proceeding to say, "Don't marry a soldier. You'll always be on the tips of your toes." Then she proceeded to criticize me indirectly by criticizing limbless veterans and their families, g

iving me examples of things she sees in the hospital. I know she means well for me, but it hurts so much when I hear these things being said time and time again, over and over-- and not just that, but cheating rumors. "Oh, he's probably found another Filipino nurse who's gorgeous." I'm terrified of one day just exploding in angry tears and just snapping. But I try to be respectful and inarticulate, I try not to open my mouth and talk back. But I want to. Oh my god, how I want to. But, as a good girl usually does, I forgive her for it. Life isn't a rose-colored-glass and I appreciate realism, but sometimes I wish I had support from the people closest to me.







thoughts

Missing my sailor has almost become unbearable for me. It's like wanting to cry on a daily basis because I miss him so much, because I want to be with him. But things happen for a reason and I must not lose heart... I must always be thankful for being young with no husband, no children, no commitments. Having time to focus on the Self is essential to the living. And focus on the Self, I shall, with my nursing career. I know nursing will help me become a better, stronger person-- and I know my sailor would love to see me successful and independent. I want him to be proud of me! :) I promise, you, baby I'll make you proud. I'll be so productive. You bring out the best in me...I love you.

thoughts

How I amazingly miss him right now... :(
Seriously.
The cold makes me miss the times we snuggled in the sheets together.
I hate that I haven't spent one Christmas with him, ever. :(

thoughts

haven't written in here for a while. i've been... so and so. alright. i haven't had access or time on a real computer with a keyboard to write.

nevertheless...

At night I get really lonely and I miss my sailor a lot in every single way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. Especially physically.

There are many nights where I wish to hear his voice, before I fall asleep. Many nights where I long for his special touch, caress, in the most forbidden of my places. I want to feel him in my womb. 

I'm still a virgin.. but I know it's him that I trust more than anything in this world to give it away to. 

But my desire for him doesn't compare to my desire for his happiness. I want him to be successful in life and in his career and he's having a hard time in his career and it breaks my heart to see him suffering. All I want is for him to be happy and I hope that he will be happy one day. I wish I could make the world better for him. But I can't. All I can do as a person is just be there for him and give advice. He is so stressed more than anything

I wish my "I love yous" made the world better for him. I hope me being there makes a world of different in his life. I wish the world treated him better. 

I can't stand being so far away from him. I cry a lot because he's far away and because I haven't seen him in so long. I don't know how he stands it. I don't know how I stand it. But I do. Because every day away from him is one day closer to being in his arms once again.

Sometimes, I wish I was married to him already. So I could just be with him, cook for him, clean for him-- it's killing me how I find myself imagining being with him, as his wife, sometimes at random periods throughout the day, thinking 'what ifs.'  But I know it's just me being impatient with my silly dreams. 

I'm 21, too young... .

If it were to happen (and I hope it does one day) it would be several years from now.

Oh but God, how impatient I am. I am already an LVN-- I could find work at any time.... I could have a steady income... Hypothetically, if I were married... We could live off of that.

But, I just have to be patient and wait and see. There is so much to learn about this magnanimous creature. He thinks he is nothing, but to me he is my everything. 

I am just so madly in love with him that I just cry a lot because it's killing me that he's so faraway. I know it's wrong, but I'm jealous of those military wives who live on base with their spouse.... But, you know what, I tell myself that I'm doing a good job right here, supporting him in the States. I'm doing a good job being faithful. Because I would be faithful every ounce here at home in the States as I would be faithful living with him and being his wife, one day, hopefully.

But to be with him would be my dream. But before that I know I must focus on my career, my nursing... Which is a road that will help lead me to him... But sometimes I tell myself, "Why not both?" Why can't I have marriage and a career in my early life? It's what I want! 

Oh, but then the logical side of me says you don't know what you want yet. You're young... Men don't dream of marriage at a young age as young women do. Men want to be independent, free... 

Whatever happens, happens. I tell myself. 

Even if I was cursed and will be forced to never see him again, my entire life, I would support him the way I do now, on the phone, on Skype, in spirit. 

I feel like I could do more for him though. Like I'm never giving enough to him. like he deserves better than I am currently giving him. I feel that if I was with him physically, I'd be so much sweeter of a person than I am now-- then I could show him how much I loved him every night, every day. 

But what I would die right now for his kiss, his hold, his caress, his touch, his voice in my ear whispering to me, "I love you."

I know it's early, but I find myself thinking of him, and what it would be like married to him. And what it would be like having his children. Even my aunt discusses it. She says our children will be beautiful. She adds to my delusions of things...

Oh god. I hope I'm not being too creepy with him right now.. 

I've dated him for a year and four months. I've known him for three years in total. One year was spent knowing him online, one year was spent as a friends, and then the third year we decided to date.  So technically we've known each other two years in person...

It's not enough time to know someone well... But, I love him. And I really do hope our paths shall be forever interwined. Even if we never get married, I hope I support him as much as I can always. I have never loved a human being as much as I loved him. He awakens feelings in me I never knew I had. He makes me feel loved. And I just want to make him happy as much as he makes me happy. I feel so sensitive right now and emotional and like a crybaby. I have like teary eyes... I miss him so much. I cannot wait for the day when we see each other again. For the days when I sleep with him every night and wake up to his sleepy eyes every morning. I cannot wait to give my virginity to him. And make love to him every day. One day....

thoughts

Today I just lied down in bed like all day, just feeling a general malaise contributed by my illness, trapped in a surreal state with thoughts crashing into each other. I pretty much didn't do anything today and my mind drifted and ruminated everywhere and drifted to things like my test on Sunday, where writing stands in my future and the things I would like to write, and just how naive and innocent and gullible I was in the past. I thought about how life passes by so fast. And then stupid dreams about the future-- what I would like, how would I be. How would I be as a nurse. How I would feel starting over, leaving Texas to fend for my own. How I would be on my own, where life would take me. I would probably live on the eastern seaboard, Virginia Beach, VA. In close proximity to everything. Maybe I would be near my sailor, one day.  Then together we could go to New York on the weekends and laugh/admire all the accents we hear at Central Park. Stupid, romantic shit like that.

 

Maybe I would try socializing with people again, trying to find the like minds. People to go to museums withs and take stupid pictures and go to bookstores with and discuss politics and religion with. People to discuss serious sad things with-- we'd laugh about the way things are going in the world, because it's just all too damn serious and depressing. People who aren't afraid to not sugarcoat things. People willing to acknowledge their darknesses. People to discuss film and music with.

 

I know I haven't changed over the past years one bit.

 

People to do things with. Bars, restaurants, the beach. Virginia Beach... I dunno-- I just reallly like that place. I'd go biking and run by myself everyday.I'd watch people live their lives. I'd take pictures of things and blog about things. I'd have a dog. I'd be a happy loner. I'd plug in my iPhone in the car and just drive places-- anywhere for the weekend when I'm off and be my own best companty. I'd find some deserted naturous place in the middle of nowhere and just sit there and ponder of existentially romantic silly things that people would roll their eyes at, like the meaning of it all, the Cosmos.

 

The people I would meet. I would create a new image for myself, a new personality. I would adapt. 

 

I wonder if I would be happy. 

 

Then I thought about how I would be as an old lady. Would I be a nice happy rich old lady? If I would  be alone. If I would be married. If I would like being married. If I would be divorced. Happily divorced. Would I have kids. I wonder if I would be a passionate old lady. With like many old men lovers. What philosophy would I have adopted for my living.

 

I would probably retired as an artsy old lady. I'd be in community college plays playing the wise elderly, matronly woman figure. I'd watch plays and enjoy dressing like a fancy old lady. And watch classic movies.And write an autobiography, or the novel I always wanted to write.

 

I'd be awesome.

 


thoughts

I remember how you said you found me on an anime Youtube video and reminded me of the brief exchange in the comments section about Big O and Chinese food a year prior. Funny, how you randomly pondered of me one year after that exchange enough to message me on AIM because you wondered how I was doing.
I remember how I felt when I realized we lived in the same city, were the same age, and had attended the same college.
I remember how you wrote in complete sentences and how you used punctuation and grammar.
I remember thinking that there was something about you—something that I couldn’t quite place.
But for some reason we had long conversations lasting til morning. 
I remember being intrigued by the person behind the typing because no one types quite like you do. The person who typed as eagerly as I was typing. You type as if you are from a fanfiction—or from a 40s movie. You don’t use the same language as everyone else does these days. You type as you really speak and act—just like me.
I remember trying to imagine your voice because I wanted to know if you were real.
And I remember meeting you for the first time. Hearing your voice for the first time, matching it with a face, an entity that moved and spoke in front of me…
The early days. The first time we met. I will always treasure it. But not as much as the moments that I treasure spent with you in the present.
The past was wonderful. Even though I haven’t seen you in a long time, I love your phone calls. They are the closest thing I have to feeling you against my skin.
I miss you, Emmo. And I find it hard to sleep sometimes,  like tonight, because I miss you so.
You are my inspiration. And I hope I do good on my test this Sunday. I want to be the best person I can be because you make me want to be a better person.

thoughts on body-image and the like.

sometimes, i just cannot stand the way i look. that i'm not the body ideal. fuck.

and i wish i had the guts and stamina to starve myself. but i can't even fucking do that. do you know how many times in the past i have tried to fucking go without eating, i can't even last one fucking day before my stomach hurts, my entire body hurts, and i have a headache. i hate how i cannot stand hunger. i hate how i always give in.

i don't know why i just give a damn so much about looking and being perfect. 

but what i would give to have a beautiful nice ass, some nice boobs, a waist, some hips.

what i would give to be damn fucking beautiful. 

thoughts.

Our relationship is imperfect... but I do know that also he is perfect for me... While I haven't seen him in a long time, he does make an effort in communicating with me, Skyping with me... (He's in military.) He hasn't seen his family in a long time, either... He can be very distant from his loved ones, but I understand him. He is never distant from me emotionally. He can appear like it-- but I understand his interior. Just because he's far away doesn't mean he doesn't love me. The support that he doesn't give me physically he gives me when we do talk... He has helped me countless of times. Without him, I wouldn't have made it through nursing school. His unconditional love and support fuels me during times I feel like I'll fail.. And I know he's coming back soon, in the New Year. I just have to be patient and always be productive that way when he comes home I'm a better person. There's lots of things to complain about-- but they are normal things to complain about in any long distance relationship... His intimacy is different... Our conversations together on the phone are momentous and mean more than any kiss, touch, or fuck he could ever give me. That's why I can stand it. And I know he feels the same way. He can be weird with his word choice at times, but I know he misses me. Even if he wouldn't particularly call it that. I know he can't wait to see me again, and I know there are a million things he wants to do with me one day. His family loves me and approves of me-- he approves of me. I was let into his precious intimate circle-- he doesn't do that often with people. And I love it. And I love him. And I know I help his person...  He's not as good with words and expressing himself like I am. But I can see it. I know that he misses me and that's why we still communicate. Sometimes, we waver a bit-- but we're human, we're busy with our lives. But in the end, we always mean well, are faithful, and together.

I love you, Emerson. I may not be happy all the time, because I'm a moody girl.But I always happy being with you. And there is no one else in this world, no other man, who is more important to me than you are. You really are the love of my life.

thoughts. NCLEX exam. missing him.

I feel a tinge of sadness lately.

I'm thinking of when to schedule my NCLEX exam. I've been battling in my head-- I'll decide tommorrow morning and I will schedule it a two weeks from now. 

I'm stressed just thinking about it. But all I can do is try my best.

Anyhow, I just miss him. I fucking miss him. Very intensely, lately. As always. Sometimes I feel I can't bear it any longer. 

I'm happy I'm with him but I haven't seen him in an eternity, it seems.
And I hope he just I misses me, too. He loves me, but whether he misses me is an entirely different story. I may be loveable, I may be his lover one day-- but, oh, how I want to know if he MISSES me. Like I miss him.

I hate it, I genuinely hate it. Days when he says he'll call me or Skype-- and I  wait eagerly, my phone next to me always, like some sort of extension of a part of my body. And he forgets.I get hurt by it. I GET PISSED. but I try not to show it. I don't want to cause any drama-- not anymore. so I let it slide, slide underneath the carpet.

I don't want to be some stupid dumb annoying pissed off girlfriend. He works hard always and deserves a wonderful sweet forgiving girlfriend.... I'd hate not to give it to him at the end of the day. I always want to make him smile and be happy.

But...

Sometimes I wonder if he misses me at all.  I know he loves me, but does he miss me? It's a part.... that is just as potent as the love. And I hate that part, that part that may potentially be unrequited.

I don't want to think about it. It hurts too much. And I'll just focus on the good things. How I should be thankful. Am thankful.

But I just wish I saw him, saw him soon. Half of me doesn't care that he treats me like this. I'm still hopeful for the future, whenever I shall see him again. It pains me that I haven't see him for almost 1 year and a 1/2. I know it makes me look bad to other people, who accuse me that his feelings for me aren't legitimate and I'm just a soft pair of thighs at home. But I believe him. I believe that he loves me.

He's just... different. And that's why he hasn't bothered to see me in a long time.

It's an aspect that hurts. But my love permits me to forgive him for all these shortcomings... 

The way he loves is... different. 

I don't want to bring it up to him, but as time passes without seeing him, sometimes I wonder how much he really does love me... Am I being taken for granted? For being here, waiting for him.

But, whether I am being taken for granted or not pales in comparison to the love I have developed for this creature... He can be quite distant but I just love him without a doubt because even though we haven't seen each other in a long time he still supports and accepts me... And that is priceless. 

It's just that I just cry a lot, missing him. Sometimes I feel forgotten here at home. Sometimes conversations end early due to time restraints. And I hate it, but I understand it.... Life is busy, after all.

But then that's when I tell myself, that's what I get and deserve I guess. No, what am I saying... I am happy. I really am happy. But it's so difficult. But I would go through this difficulty, this long distance, through hell and back,  because he is the most amazing person I know and he deserves to have a nice woman...

It's not easy. As tears run down my face... It's not easy.

I just wish I had more of him. 


insecurities.

have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror, naked, and wondered if you were truly desireable-- compared to other girls and pornstars and things?

i wonder what he thought of me, when he looked at me bare for the first time. how he felt. if he felt i was good enough despite all my flaws.

i wonder what he thought of me, when he held me in the past. if my hair was soft. if i smelled good or if i was pretty and beautiful looking under neath him or on top. if my skin was soft. if my pores are too large.

i wonder if my breasts are attractive and pleasant to his touch. i have the small breasts-- nothing special. i wonder what he thinks when he touches my hips, my waist-- that is if i have one. i've always been a skinny girl.

i wonder what he thinks about my butt. i have a small butt. i wonder what he thinks about my legs. my legs are scarred.

i wonder what he thought when i spread my legs out for him, for the first time. i wonder if he was turned off by the hair and tried not to let it show. i wonder if my vulva is attractive to the sight. i wonder if i felt nice to him on the inside.  i hope i smelled good.  i wonder if he wished for pornstars that were always so beautiful and clean shaven and perfect.

i wonder if he was bothered by my innocence. i wonder if he thought me too tight. i wonder if he felt sorry for me because i was still a virgin.

i wonder how i felt to him, how i appeared to him compared to other girls that he has already laid with. i hope the time he has spent on me was just as pleasurable and comparable to the time he has spent with the other girls he has been with in the past...

i feel insecure and emotional as fuck. i'm scared that i'm not good enough for him. i'm scared, that he is not attracted to me as i am to him. i always tell him when i'm horny and stuff, and when i want him and how much i wish i could have him...

i am like horny all the time for him... but i wonder if he feels the same way for me... he is the only one i'd want to experience sex with ever.

like, he is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me... in his eyes i want his favor. i want to be beautiful physically and desirable and good enough. i want to be just as good as any girl he has been with.

emotional and insecure as fuck tonight. :'(

thoughts.

i have those feelings again, where i can't sleep. ok? i'm filled with sexual desire again.
sigh.
argh. it's just so frustrating.
sometime, i wonder if i'll ever lose my virginity.
oh, what am i saying? i know i will one day
but sometime i just worry about not being good enough
or not being pretty enough
i just want to be good and perfect and pleasurable as a lover
i want to make a man happy
is that so much to ask?
i want to be held and kissed so deeply, passionately. perfectly.
i want to be rendered to thoughtlessness...
i want to make a man know what it is to truly be alive.
i hate these lonely nights....
i need a body warm, against me...


feelings.

Those feelings again.. tonight. Stronger than ever...
I.. just.
I have been just feeling extreme sexual desire lately.
And I'm a virgin, so...
I just need it okay.
Men. I've just been obsessed and driven by them. Just the way they move, act, talk. So different from me and yet I want one.
I just want to be used one, loved by one, worshipped and adored by one.
I want to be fucked by one
.I need to be desired...
I just need to be taken
I feel like an empty shell. Unused. Purposeless. Worthless. Like no man wants me.
I need it.
I just want to cry because I'm so frustrated and deprived..
I need to feel a man's power over me. I want to feel controlled. Penetrated.
I need a feeling of warmth against my abdomen... I need to be held, kissed. Coddled. Rubbed and touched and played with, in every single way...
I just want to know, that I can make a man feel happy and satisfied. That my body means something. I want to make someone feel good.
Is that too much to ask?
I guess, I just don't deserve it. It's like everyone has done it already, except me. And I'm 21.
And I feel like shit. Like me and my body is worthless...
I just want one night, where I don't feel alone.. I want one sweaty hot night. And sweet nothings in my ear, however tender and untrue. I want to be held. I want to be held and rocked and I want someone to love me like I've never been loved before.
I want a lover.
I want one lover, for the rest of my life, every night of my life I'd die being loyal to them..
Someone who will appreciate me. And think my body is the most beautiful damn thing on earth. And just fucking hold me and kiss me and make me feeling fucking damn glad to be alive.
I want to be someone's.
I want to be intimate.
I want an orgasm like never before.
And I want him to feel pleasure, the most pleasure he's ever experienced in his entire life.
If only someone would give me the chance...

I just want to love and be loved in return.
I want to be made love to.
Please.
As tears run down my face...

thoughts.

late at night. feeling void. empty. thinking. of my life. my inner struggle. my depression. my social anxiety disorder. happy on the outside, but inside i am still riddled with fear and hate and sadness.....
i know i have been withdrawn more than usual. this vicious cycle of happiness and sadness....

but i will live. happy or not, life carries on anyway.

thoughts

i feel like an arrogant bitch today and cleaning my room and whatever... studying.... writing.. keeping myself busy. i am probably a hormonal bitch right now.....

just, fuck everything...

i'll be a bitch

final thoughts before i sleep.....

Staying inside and my self-induced antisocial lifestyle, studying 'all the time' in my room *cough* is oh-so-lonely but my parents always told me to study now and live my life later. I know all my sacrifices will mean something, one day. I'm so sad, but I know I'll help save many lives one day and I know my pain will mean something then. I just want to see people be discharged from the hospital, happy because their loved one got better and they can go on living their lives with their spouse, children, family, friends, etc, so they can have all the things that I may never have. ♥

thoughts...

Working hard always, to make this dream come true. So that someday, I won't be so far away and blue, so that someday I'll wake up and be next to you. So that one day, we'll be together. We'll be married. We'll make love anytime we want. And be together. And have kids. There is no one else for me, that I can see who can inspire me to do all these things like you do... Until my last breath... 

I hope you are proud of me, as much as I am proud of you... 

I love you so much.. It's hard to sleep....... 

It's worth it. The pain is worth it. For every few minutes a phone call I can get from you. And when you come home, ever single fucking moment I can spend with you, looking in your eyes, playing videogames together, eating at a restaurant... Every moment, I want. You.

I'm on my period right now. And I feel liek shit and crying and emotional. :(

I'm just happy I'm a nurse now.... And I'll prepare this future for us... I'll make you a home. I don't understand, how I would want to learn all these things suddenly. To cook and to clean...  To learn how to take care of children.

I feel insane.... 

OMG. My stupid inner biology is insane...

Oh baby I miss you... And I need you here tonight... I just hope you're safe out there... I love you.... 

thoughts.

i miss him...

read my hesii score reports today. i scored better than 81% of nursing students in the country. that being said, 18% are better than me....

to be 'perfect.'

Nevertheless, i miss him. and i hope that by being a nurse, it will bring me one step closer to you...

you have made me extremely happy. you make me happy.

you have helped me go through this... nursing program....

and i will pass the NCLEX because i love you and you help me accomplish things and teach me things about myself, about the things i should do and not do, and you help guide me....

you are partner. and i will make sure i become a licensed nurse because of you...

i remember when you first brought me to the nursing building to turn in my application.. :) you are my inspiration. you have guided me, every step of the way. and i am thankful...... i just need to hear your voice soon

thoughts....i miss him

every ounce of me misses him right now and i want to cry. i want to hug my pillow and cry, because i miss you... i love you. why haven't you came back and visited me for over a year?

what do i have to do, to make you want to see me again and come back?

1-20 of 48 Blogs   

Previous Posts
****, posted November 3rd, 2013
depression., posted December 4th, 2012
i wish i had support, posted November 25th, 2012
thoughts, posted November 23rd, 2012
thoughts, posted November 14th, 2012
thoughts, posted November 7th, 2012
thoughts, posted September 28th, 2012
thoughts, posted September 26th, 2012
thoughts on body-image and the like., posted September 25th, 2012
thoughts., posted September 18th, 2012
thoughts. NCLEX exam. missing him., posted September 17th, 2012, 1 comment
insecurities., posted September 15th, 2012
thoughts., posted September 11th, 2012
feelings., posted September 1st, 2012
thoughts., posted August 20th, 2012
thoughts, posted August 14th, 2012
final thoughts before i sleep....., posted August 14th, 2012
thoughts..., posted August 14th, 2012
thoughts., posted August 14th, 2012
thoughts....i miss him, posted August 12th, 2012
up, posted August 10th, 2012
terrified...., posted August 7th, 2012
thoughts., posted July 29th, 2012
thoughts., posted July 27th, 2012
thoughts...., posted July 26th, 2012
my heart is heavy., posted July 25th, 2012
here, i am. torturing myself again., posted July 24th, 2012
I don't know what it takes to be beautiful in his eyes again., posted July 18th, 2012, 1 comment
my true self., posted July 17th, 2012
i WANT to look like a pornstar., posted July 14th, 2012
thoughts., posted July 6th, 2012
thoughts..., posted July 4th, 2012, 1 comment
thoughts...., posted July 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
thoughts..., posted June 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
thoughts, posted June 15th, 2012
thoughts, posted June 7th, 2012
thoughts, posted June 2nd, 2012, 1 comment
thoughts, posted June 2nd, 2012
thoughts., posted June 1st, 2012
transition, posted June 1st, 2012
why, posted May 31st, 2012
thoughts, posted May 31st, 2012
the fear and consumption, posted May 22nd, 2012
transition, posted May 19th, 2012
thoughts, posted May 3rd, 2012, 1 comment
Ruined Self-Esteem, posted April 29th, 2012, 2 comments
thoughts, posted April 19th, 2012
thoughts, posted April 5th, 2012, 1 comment
And No Religion, Too, posted March 30th, 2011
Woohoo!, posted March 1st, 2011

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