thoughts | geninefils's Blog

haven't written in here for a while. i've been... so and so. alright. i haven't had access or time on a real computer with a keyboard to write.

nevertheless...

At night I get really lonely and I miss my sailor a lot in every single way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. Especially physically.

There are many nights where I wish to hear his voice, before I fall asleep. Many nights where I long for his special touch, caress, in the most forbidden of my places. I want to feel him in my womb. 

I'm still a virgin.. but I know it's him that I trust more than anything in this world to give it away to. 

But my desire for him doesn't compare to my desire for his happiness. I want him to be successful in life and in his career and he's having a hard time in his career and it breaks my heart to see him suffering. All I want is for him to be happy and I hope that he will be happy one day. I wish I could make the world better for him. But I can't. All I can do as a person is just be there for him and give advice. He is so stressed more than anything

I wish my "I love yous" made the world better for him. I hope me being there makes a world of different in his life. I wish the world treated him better. 

I can't stand being so far away from him. I cry a lot because he's far away and because I haven't seen him in so long. I don't know how he stands it. I don't know how I stand it. But I do. Because every day away from him is one day closer to being in his arms once again.

Sometimes, I wish I was married to him already. So I could just be with him, cook for him, clean for him-- it's killing me how I find myself imagining being with him, as his wife, sometimes at random periods throughout the day, thinking 'what ifs.'  But I know it's just me being impatient with my silly dreams. 

I'm 21, too young... .

If it were to happen (and I hope it does one day) it would be several years from now.

Oh but God, how impatient I am. I am already an LVN-- I could find work at any time.... I could have a steady income... Hypothetically, if I were married... We could live off of that.

But, I just have to be patient and wait and see. There is so much to learn about this magnanimous creature. He thinks he is nothing, but to me he is my everything. 

I am just so madly in love with him that I just cry a lot because it's killing me that he's so faraway. I know it's wrong, but I'm jealous of those military wives who live on base with their spouse.... But, you know what, I tell myself that I'm doing a good job right here, supporting him in the States. I'm doing a good job being faithful. Because I would be faithful every ounce here at home in the States as I would be faithful living with him and being his wife, one day, hopefully.

But to be with him would be my dream. But before that I know I must focus on my career, my nursing... Which is a road that will help lead me to him... But sometimes I tell myself, "Why not both?" Why can't I have marriage and a career in my early life? It's what I want! 

Oh, but then the logical side of me says you don't know what you want yet. You're young... Men don't dream of marriage at a young age as young women do. Men want to be independent, free... 

Whatever happens, happens. I tell myself. 

Even if I was cursed and will be forced to never see him again, my entire life, I would support him the way I do now, on the phone, on Skype, in spirit. 

I feel like I could do more for him though. Like I'm never giving enough to him. like he deserves better than I am currently giving him. I feel that if I was with him physically, I'd be so much sweeter of a person than I am now-- then I could show him how much I loved him every night, every day. 

But what I would die right now for his kiss, his hold, his caress, his touch, his voice in my ear whispering to me, "I love you."

I know it's early, but I find myself thinking of him, and what it would be like married to him. And what it would be like having his children. Even my aunt discusses it. She says our children will be beautiful. She adds to my delusions of things...

Oh god. I hope I'm not being too creepy with him right now.. 

I've dated him for a year and four months. I've known him for three years in total. One year was spent knowing him online, one year was spent as a friends, and then the third year we decided to date.  So technically we've known each other two years in person...

It's not enough time to know someone well... But, I love him. And I really do hope our paths shall be forever interwined. Even if we never get married, I hope I support him as much as I can always. I have never loved a human being as much as I loved him. He awakens feelings in me I never knew I had. He makes me feel loved. And I just want to make him happy as much as he makes me happy. I feel so sensitive right now and emotional and like a crybaby. I have like teary eyes... I miss him so much. I cannot wait for the day when we see each other again. For the days when I sleep with him every night and wake up to his sleepy eyes every morning. I cannot wait to give my virginity to him. And make love to him every day. One day....