depression. | geninefils's Blog

A lot of people call me selfish, egocentric, and a horrible person because I don't try to be what they want me to be. But I don't want to lose myself in exchange for making people happy because when I feel like I lost myself I get depressed.

When I feel like I lose myself, I feel like I want to die. Making myself happy is important, too.  I believe there  exists a balance in doing what others want of us and doing what we want. 

I wish people understood how important this is for me. A life lived for others is ideal-- yet at the same time exhausting. I have found that I need to be selfish sometimes-- no, I need to be selfish a lot. I need to think of my own happiness sometimes. I've found that when my life solely becomes doing what makes others happy, I just want to die. Even if loved ones may call me selfish, egocentric, or a horrible person and ostracize me,  I need to do this because I am making an intervention necessary for my own life.

because without my self, I would be dead. Without m y goals and my dreams, I would be dead.

So be it. I don't want to be in my 50s ruminating, still taking antidepressants because I didn't do the things I wanted to do, because I didn't take risks, because I sought out my best interest from others instead of doing what I thought was right for myself. If I wasn't doing what I'm doing now, I would be dead. +

I believe that by making me happy, I am well equipped to being a more productive person in life. I waste a lot of time in my life feeling down and sorry for myself-- and I'm tired of that. I'm sad and sorry for all the time that I wasted. And still waste.